Moods

Right now I am sitting alone in my apartment. Karen and Brian are off dancing like they do every Tuesday night. I wish I could go, but no one will go with me. April and Jenny are off somewhere, I don't know where. So I am sitting here listening to Jamie Cullum and being in one of my moods that I seem to be getting more often these days. I wanted to talk to a friend last night, but he was off with some someone else for the evening. I would love to go out to Babb's with a friend and just talk and hang out.

About my moods. Most of the time I have no idea why I get them. The way it seems to work is that suddenly a feeling of sadness, frustration, and hopelessness comes over me, and I have no idea why it is there. There have been a few times where there was a logical reason why I was in my mood, but normally there is no specific reason. I wonder if anyone else is as strange as I am when it comes to things like this.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I got my bridesmaid dress for Joan's wedding today. It is made of black silk, goes down to the knees, and looks great on me! And for only $70, it is a great price for a bridesmaid dress! Now Karen just has to look for shoes, and I will be set for August.

Last night I had to stay up late to make a lesson to teach for elementary music methods. I stayed up so late because I thought I had to teach on Thursday. But I looked at my planner yesterday and saw that I had to teach today. I did a lesson of instrument families and assessing on it with the use of those fortune tellers that we all made in grade school. It worked out allright, and my classmates really liked the fortune tellers. It brought them back to grade school, which made me smile.....

Well, since I stayed up so late last night, I'm thinking I should go to bed early tonight. I went to the Wellness Center to work off some energy, so I have to take a shower, then go to bed. Goodnight.

I don't understand...

Everyone has their own way of grieving. Some cry for days, while others go on like nothing happened. Someone I know found out this morning that their grandfather died. When I heard that, it instantly took me back to four years ago when I got the call that my grandfather died.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. My mom called me on a Thursday night while I was getting ready to go to Detroit Lakes for a night of dancing at Islands Night Club. When she told me, I was sad, but it didn't quite hit me. When I hung up the phone, I went down to the IACC to meet the people I was getting a ride with. I told them what happened and they gave me their condolances. Then I went out as usual. At the time me and my boyfriend Jason were temporarily split up.

It took a few days for my grandfather's death to hit me. I was at the trailer with Jason, lying on the floor. I remember that I was thinking about the phone call and of the last time I saw Grandpa. Right then, it hit me. I was never going to see him again. I was never going to be able to hug him, or tell him that I love him again. When I fully realized this, I broke out in tears and did not stop for an hour. Jason was there to help me through the whole thing, which I am so grateful for.

Why am I writing about this? Because when this person this morning found out the news, they had a little cry, then went on as if nothing happened. I know everyone has their own way of grieving in front of people and when they are by themselves. I guess I just wish that this person would confide in me what they are feeling. What I am feeling now is that this person is afraid to open up to their true feelings, and they are covering something up.

It has almost been exactly four years ago that my grandfather died. There are many times when I think back and regret not spending more time with him. He was the only grandfather I had, as my other one died three months before I was born. I sometimes feel that I have missed out on true grandfather/granddaughter moments.

There are times when writing things down is the best way for me to vent out on what I am feeling. Even if no one reads this I will have a lighter burden on myself because of this.

Well, I've been back in school for a week now, and we already get a long weekend, with it being Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Monday. I thought this semester was going to be easier... Well, I was wrong about that. It seems that I have more going on this semester than I ever have. I don't have much time off, which concerns me in that I have to prepare for a recital for the end of April.

Concert band auditions were on Monday, and I clinched my first chair spot back after a year of hiatus. Christopher of course has the first spot for the trombones, Kirsten for the horns, Emily Hunt for the euphonium, and Sara Egge for tuba. It seems to me that this year we have more brassy pieces than we have had in previous years. I told Dan that and he got a little upset about that! Jenny Thompson is playing the student solo this year. She is an excellent flute player, and I can't wait to hear her piece.

There isn't much going on this weekend. Andrew is in Montevideo for this birthday. There is pep band tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. I don't think I'll be able to go out tonight if the Union does not open up so I can cash my check! gr........

So when I got into town on Sunday afternoon, the first thing I did was go to Media Play and I bought Eddie Izzard's "Glorious" and "Definite Article". I shouldn't have bought both of them, but they were there, and I was like "what the hell!" I have been watching them all week, and I still can't get enough!!! To any of you that still have not seen Eddie Izzard, you do not know what you are missing...........

It's Finally Winter!!!

It's about time! We had our first snowstorm yesterday. I had to drive to work in very poor visability. We got about 4.5 inches of snow, and the wind was fierce! I ended up staying at my grandma's house in town after work. My car would not have made it with the drifts that were forming on the gravel roads. It's still drifting tonight, but hopefully it will clear up tomorrow enough where I can get into town and have a last lunch with Denae before she leaves this weekend and I leave this weekend.

The background music at work has surprised me. Normally, there would still be Christmas music going on around this time. I came in last week and the Christmas music was gone, and it was replaced by 80's music. And it was good 80's music!! This week it is a 70's montage, and good 70's!!! It makes work a little more bearable now...

I only have a few more days here in Worthington before I head back to Fargo on Sunday. I have to admit that it has been all right being home. I get to sleep in a large bed, play with my animals, get Mom's home cooking, take baths in a bath tub, and be in the country. I am going to miss that. But I miss all my friends up in Fargo, and I can't wait to go back to that.

For any of you that are Eddie Izzard fans, look what I found:

Which Izzard Are You?

Slut Izzard: You'll crawl into any duvet any time of the day. You get to shag everyone, and wear all their clothes. You're concerned with appearances, whether anyone will shag you, or whether you'll shag anyone else. Rejoice!! For you are a fashion queen.

It's fun stuff I find on the internet!! I love Eddie......... :)

Well, that is it for today. I'm just happy that winter has come around finally!!

It's a New Year

Well, 2005 has finally come, and we have freezing rain here in Worthington, Minnesota. New Year's wasn't the most exciting for me this year. I had to work till 10:00, and I came home and watched TV to ring in the New Year. We didn't even have any decent liquor here for me to drink. Andrew did call me at midnight, even though he was in Montevideo and he assumed that I had plans last night even when I told him I didn't. I was a bit upset with him, but what can I do about it.....

A few days ago it was about 55 degrees. I was walking around outside with no coat, and it was glorious! And now it is cold, windy, with little ice pellets that sting when they hit you in the face. Go figure.

Kristian was here last week for a few days to visit. He was on leave, so he came by. I had not seen him for over a year, and it was great to catch up with him. He's a bit thinner than I last remembered him! We went and saw "Ocean's Twelve" and had a few to drink at the bar. For my Christmas present he got me silver satin pajamas from Victoria's Secret. They are delightful to sleep in! The next day we made chili and sat around, watched TV, and talked some more as he was leaving that afternoon. I was sad when he had to go, but we do talk on the phone about once a week or every two weeks, so at least we have that.

After Kristian left, I went to rehearse at my church for Christmas Eve. Ever since the 5th grade I've had to play my trumpet for that service, and now it's just expected of me to do it. After rehearsal, Andrew dropped into town for a few hours. We went and had coffee at the Coffee Nook. There he gave me a silver necklace that is beautiful! We came home for about an hour, then we went back to town to eat at the Ground Round. After that we drove around town to look at the Christmas lights. Soon he had to get back to Montevideo. We both really did not want to part, but there was no choice in the matter. I've got another week before I see him again, but I'm gonna make it.

With Christmas Day, we had family over at our house. My Uncle Tim, both grandma's, cousin Shawn and his fiance Mandy were over. Mandy is in the guard, and her unit was called out earlier this fall. She got some time off for Christmas. She had to report back to Georgia on Tuesday, and we just heard a few days ago that she was leaving yesterday for oversees, although we still don't know exactly where she is going. Anyway, back to Chrismas dinner. It was a quiet, but very nice dinner. Me, Mom, Grandma, and Tim played a game of Pinochle ( I lost...gr...). I got nice presents this year. My grandma gave me a French coffee press. It makes really good and really strong coffee. Just the way I like it! My parents bought me a new pair of riding boots. My old ones were thrashed, so I got to go pick out a new pair on Sunday.

So, now all I've been doing is working at the store, going to the gym, and sleeping a lot. Between that I help Mom with the chores when she has to work in the morning, keep the house clean, and spend some time with Denae when our schedules allow us to. I leave next Sunday for Fargo. Honestly, I'm ready to go back now....